Joy

I thought I would write something about each of my children, their personalities, idiosyncrasies, and all around awesomeness. I would be remiss if I didn't mention my first who never saw the outside.

I recently read a blog about a mother who had a miscarriage. And the truth is no one understands how you feel. Horrible things are said to you in an attempt to comfort you, but nothing does. No one understands what it is like to have life inside of you turn to death. 

I was 12 weeks along when we found out. It was my first pregnancy, so of course, you don't even imagine this happening. My doctor was amazing and she carried me through this and my other three births. 

I didn't know how to grieve, how to cope, how to move forward. I finally went to counseling and the Lord brought people into my life who could truly speak to me in a way I needed. I read a book that helped put words to my thoughts...how do I grieve a baby I never knew?

I did know her though, and my first baby brought me to a new place in life, to a new place with God. It is like any death. I will always be sad, I will never know why. But my comfort was after crying, being angry at God for not saving my baby, being confused and angry at others who were having children, to Jesus letting me know that He had my baby with Him taking care of her and that I will see her soon enough.

We named her Joy because her life brought us much joy. 

Thank you Lord for bringing me through this and giving me 4 beautiful children.

Joy, your mommy will always love you, and I will see you and hold you one day.

Never take this life for granted.